Beneath Frozen Leaves
by Heartache14
Summary: I wish that I'd laughed with him. I wish that I'd screamed his name as loud as I could just to let him know that he did exist. I wish that I'd hugged him, touched him, anything to let him know that he was alive and that I would remember him.
1. Questions with Difficult Answers

A/N:Hola, everyone! Welcome to my newest fic, _Beneath Frozen Leaves_! Before we start, I'd like you to know that the happiest part about this fic will be my author's notes! YAY!

So, basically, this fic is just an angsty progression of Mattie and Gilbo's relationship. I lack originality.

**Warning: **Self-injury, mentions of suicide…erm, I think that's bout it.

**Disclaimer: **Heartache-sama does not own Hetalia! *cries*

ENJOY!

(p.s. this fic jumps between the kinda current stuff that happens between Mattie and Gilbo, and Gilbert's memories and stuffs.)

* * *

><p>Mattie had always been the quiet kid across the street. We'd never been friends per se, but I still had a few childhood memories of him. Even as we grew up, though, I always thought of him as that shy little boy who hid behind his boisterous twin brother.<p>

He was lonely, and I knew it. Like a shadow in the back of the room, no one took notice, but they could always feel that weird inexplicable presence just behind them. And every day, Mattie would walk to and from school, lonely and seemingly oblivious to the loud groups of teens around him – the loud groups who yelled and flirted and acted like children; the loud groups that Mattie was never a part of.

I wonder if he ever felt like we were rubbing our happiness in his face.

I pretended that I didn't see him just like everyone else, but occasionally my eyes would sweep over to him in the middle of a class or something, and I'd look just long enough to catch a glimpse of his but never long enough to confirm what emotion it was I was seeing in them. _I should talk to him,_ the thought always flickered through my brain now and again, but I never did.

But now I wish that I had.

I wish that I'd laughed with him. I wish that I'd screamed his name as loud as I could just to let him know that he did exist. I wish that I'd hugged him, touched him, _anything_ to let him know that he was alive and that I would remember him.

But I never had.

Everything happened on a Friday. We'd had midterms and had gotten out way earlier than normal. As I trudged out of the school building with my friends, I grimaced and rubbed my forehead. Useless thoughts kept bouncing around my head – all of them were just worries about my grades and my grandfather's impending disappointment; all of it would feel so meaningless the next day.

Francis and Antonio wanted to hang out after school as we normally did, but I was much too agitated to anything but sleep. So I muttered something about taking a nap, but promised to meet them at the basketball game tonight. With a furious headache pounding against my skull, I headed home, stupidly agonizing about my exams the entire way.

I almost didn't hear the voice at first, it was so quiet. It actually wasn't until I felt something tug at my sleeve that I actually turned around and acknowledged him. And there he was, Matthew Williams, standing behind me, holding my sleeve with an uncertain look on his face. "Yeah?" I questioned, lifting an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Um, w-would you walk home with me?" he stuttered nervously. His violet gaze was downcast, firmly examining his sneakers.

I wasn't sure what to say. Here he was, the quiet boy that I'd been silently observing for years, speaking to me shyly. Now that I was close to him, I could firmly determine that it was overwhelming sadness that resided in those indigo eyes, and it was coupled with oblivious fear and embarrassment. Was he afraid of me or was he afraid of rejection?

I couldn't let him down, not this time. Because whether he knew it or not, I'd already disappointed him more times than I could count, simply because I wasn't brave enough to get up and say something.

So I smiled my big cheesy (sexy) grin and nodded down at him. "Of course! Who wouldn't want to walk home with the awesome me?"

So much for my valiant attempt at talking to him. Our entire walk home was silent, because clearly we were both dorks who had no idea what to say to each other. Every time I thought of a topic – school, hobbies, friends – I second-guessed myself. I was afraid; I was afraid that anything and everything I said would remind him that he was alone.

We stopped in the middle of the quiet street, his house behind me and my house behind him. I only stared at him for a moment, watching as he seemed to struggle with words. At last, I spoke up. "Why? Why did you wanna walk with me, Mattie?"

He seemed surprised, though I wasn't sure why initially. He simply stared at me for awhile, mouth agape and blue-violet eyes wide. And quite suddenly a few tears fell from his eyes. "Y-you know m-my name."

Had he not been crying, I probably would've chuckled and rolled my eyes. As it was, I just rested a hand on his shoulder, though it felt so inadequate and unawesome. "Of course I know your name. We've lived across the street from each other for like eleven years."

_I've just been too wimpy to ever actually talk to you._

"Thank you," Mattie said, his voice reverent and grateful. A dazzling smile broke out across his face, overshadowing the tears completely. And suddenly, I was even more regretful; if only I had talked to him sooner, I could've seen this brilliant smile.

Mattie reminded me of a bird; not one of those strong vibrant ones that flittered around our neighborhood, but rather something more obscure residing in the forest. A bird, so silent and yet so beautiful, floating over the tree tops, skimming the edges of the dried leaves that hung weakly on the branches, just close enough to look down and observe them but never close enough to touch.

And maybe I was nothing more than a leaf, reaching and trying to pull him down amongst the rest of the nearly dying leaves, but then I was falling to the ground and he was unreachable.

"Come to the basketball game with me tonight." The words were out of my mouth before I could fully comprehend them, and Matthew simply stared at me as though I'd spoken a foreign language.

"Wh-what?" was his soft reply.

I smiled at him indulgently. "Come to the basketball game with me. C'mon, it'll be fun. I mean, don't get me wrong, basketball totally sucks ass, but everyone's going and the food at the concession stand is always awesome; not to mention you'll be hanging out with the most amazing, coolest, most awesome, badass guy in the world."

Mattie didn't seem quite sure what to do with himself, but soon enough he was nodding, a surprised blush covering his face. "S-sure!" the blond blurted quickly.

"Great, I'll come get you at six." And with that, Matthew and I headed to our respective houses with faintly eager grins on our faces.

* * *

><p>Mattie and I had only met once before. Me and gramps and Ludwig had just moved in across the street, and my little bro was helping with the unpacking like the diligent little five year old he was. I, on the other hand, simply sat on one of the unpacked boxes in the middle of the yard. Across the street, some overly hyper blond kid was running through the sprinklers, but he'd paused to watch the huge moving van with wide blue eyes. After awhile he turned and yelled towards his house. "Mom! I wanna go say hi to the new neighbors!"<p>

"Take your brother with you!" A female voice yelled; apparently loudness ran in the family. Almost on cue, the boy's smaller twin brother appeared at the doorway, hesitantly clutching a stuffed bear. His bubbly twin ran up to him, said a few quiet encouraging words, and grabbed his brother's hand, leading him across the street.

I probably could've gotten up to meet them halfway or something, but even back then I was way too awesome to do something like that. Instead, I impatiently waited on my box, kicked my legs back and forth against the cardboard. At last the twins were directly in front of me, and the more energetic of the two was instantly in my face, talking a mile a minute. "Hey, kid! My name's Alfred, but you can call me Hero! I'm gonna be a hero when I grow up, so ya might as well start calling me that now! I'm only five, but I know tons of awesome stuff, cuz ya know, heroes gotta be smart too!" Almost as an afterthought, he pointed to his brother. "And this is my twin bro Mattie! He don't talk much, but he's still really cool! What's your name?"

I smirked and sat up a little straighter. "I'm Gilbert, but you can call me Lord Awesome. I 'm probably – no, definitely – the most awesome kid in the world, so don't be surprised if you're overwhelmed by my awesomeness!" Yes, even back then I was aware of how fucking awesome I am."

Alfred and I chattered on for a little while – though we finally deduced that two people with egos as large as ours could never be friends – and I found myself occasionally glancing at Mattie. He simply played with his stuffed bear, seemingly content, though I had the nagging feeling that he felt left out. I knew I should've made an effort to include him; even back then I had known. But there was just something that held me back, made me hesitate and back off.

And ever since, I had been watching Matthew Williams, always silently concerned but never brave enough to do anything about it.

* * *

><p>Liz and I had been dating for about four months, but we'd known each other for much longer. Ever since I'd pushed her sissy friend Roderich in the sandbox in the second grade, we'd been at each other's throats. Admittedly, as much as she kinda pissed me off sometimes, I had limits about how far I was willing to push her. We bickered even now, though Francis swears it's just sexual tension. And maybe he's right. Elizaveta and I haven't had sex yet, and I wasn't quite sure why. Though we certainly enjoy kissing each other – the Awesome Me is a fantastic kisser! – we hadn't quite moved beyond that. It was just another uncomfortable detail to be ignored between us, much like her sidelong glances at Roderich and my many friends-with-benefits; we both knew they existed and occurred, but we never said anything.<p>

I groaned sleepily as my trilling cell phone awoke me from my nap. With my eyes still closed, my hand reached out, snatching my jeans off the floor and trolling the pockets for my phone. I flipped it open without looking at the caller id. "Hello?" I mumbled.

"Where the hell are you?" Liz's voice screeched over the background noise of squeaking shoes and incessant chatter. "You were supposed to meet me at the game an hour ago."

"Fuck," I groaned, much too exhausted to deal with my girlfriend's unending bitching. "What time is it?"

"Are you just getting out of bed? It's 7:30, Gilbert! Francis and Antonio have been calling you for hours, not to mention that I've been waiting for you. Thankfully, Roderich was nice enough to wait with me until you showed up," she sniffed indignantly.

And there it was again, Roderich being tossed into the conversation like a subtle slap in the face. She was comparing me to him, I just knew it; constantly criticizing me for not being a gentleman, criticizing me for actually giving her the time of day, criticizing me for not being Roderich. But I wouldn't say anything because that's not how this twisted game between us works.

I ran a hand through my spiky white hair, yawning as I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of my bed. I sighed, "Quit fucking whining. I'll be there in ten minutes." I didn't stick around long enough to hear her reply but simply ended the call instead. I pulled my jeans back on, slipped a shirt over my head and kicked on my shoes, tugging on a random black hoodie as I walked out the door.

I was forgetting something, I just knew it. And even as I double-checked for my keys and phone and wallet, I couldn't shake this nagging feeling that I was forgetting something that was so very important, and if I didn't remember soon, I would fuck everything up.

I walked to the school, taking my sweet time even though my girlfriend was waiting for me. When I arrived, I paid seven dollars for my overpriced ticket then headed into the school gym, instantly finding myself surrounded by friendly faces. Antonio and Francis caught up to me first, immediately complaining about why the hell I hadn't been answering the phone. Together, the three of us strode out of the gym and headed for the concession stand near the cafeteria. I asked about Liz, but neither of them knew where she was.

And yet, even as I laughed with my bros and shoved nachos into my mouth, I couldn't shake that feeling that I was forgetting something so damn important! The thought made me agitated and irritable. After awhile, I parted ways with my friends to clear my head, making up some excuse about looking for Liz.

I found myself in the library, though it took me a few minutes to realize that it was the library (clearly, this wasn't a place that I spent much time in). A strange noise caught my attention, and I strode through the darkened aisles until I found its source.

There, before my vary eyes, was Liz. She was perched on the edge of a table, her legs wrapped around someone's waist. And there was Roderich, standing before her, sticking his tongue down her throat. And even though I knew deep down that this was what she always wanted, I couldn't help but feel as though I was being compared to him again. Except this time, Roderich returned her feelings, and Liz realized that the real thing was so much better than the replacement, and I was being pushed aside and she was shoving it in my fucking face.

I left, and even as the library door slammed behind me, I knew that this wouldn't deter them.

There was a lone figure sitting on top of a row of lockers up ahead, the dim lights casting shadows so I wasn't quite sure who they were. As I got closer to them, I could hear a few quiet hiccups and a sniffling voice whimpering. "It won't stop," the person murmured softly through a sob.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked as I approached slowly. The person jumped and tugged at their sleeves before looking at me. Realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

"M-mattie," I muttered before he could speak. A thousand different words rushed to my lips at once – apologies, explanations, all equally inadequate – fighting for dominance. At last, I didn't even bother trying, choosing to just stare at him with guilty red eyes. A thick silence washed over us, and Mattie averted his gaze, gazing at the library doors instead.

It was then that I noticed the blood that was dripping against his fingers. "Birdie, you're bleeding!" I took quick, long strides to him and reached up to grab one of his hands before he could protest. The blood seemed to be coming from his arms rather than his hands as I'd originally thought. I carefully yanked up the sleeve of his bulky red sweatshirt; he tried to squirm away, but I held fast, intent on treating any injury.

I couldn't breathe. The latticework of scars blurred together, and as more tears fell from Matthew's eyes, I knew that this wasn't an accident. His blood smeared the tips of my fingers.

"Please, st-stop looking, Gilbert. It's so ugly," the blond whispered.

For the second time today, I stared into those beautiful indigo eyes and asked, "Why?"

His answer was simple, but it nearly knocked the breath out of me. "You forgot, Gilbert."

* * *

><p>"Matthew Williams? Who's that?"<p>

I scoffed and rolled my eyes at Antonio as I flopped into my seat next to him at the lunch table. "He sits behind you in Chemistry, dumbass. You know, Alfred Jones's brother."

"He has a brother?" the Spaniard blurted with a blatantly disbelieving tone. "No way! I didn't even realize anyone sat behind me in Chemistry!"

I wasn't sure why I'd asked about Matthew. I had noticed him in the back of the classroom as I took my seat next to Francis. The Canadian seemed uncharacteristically pleased that day, and he kept staring down at a slip of paper in his hand disbelievingly. All throughout the class period, he glanced at the note, a barely contained smile on his face.

I laughed a little at Antonio's easily excitable demeanor. Like a fucking puppy. I opened my mouth to say something, but a loud commotion distracted me. All around us, students were scrapping their chairs back and leaping to their feet, dashing out of the cafeteria and outside to the courtyard. I saw a massive group gathered around a tree, and Tonio and I stood up as well, eager to witness what was presumably a fight going on outside. Well, I was eager to see the fight, anyway. Antonio probably wanted to stop it, noble fuck that he was.

A few teachers and administrators were headed towards the courtyard , so we hightailed it outside, pushing our way to the front of the semi-circle. I broke through the massive crowd in time to see some burly senior push Matthew Williams, a small shy freshman, to the ground.

One of the other guys ripped the book bag off of Mattie's back and proceeded to pilfer through it, retrieving a stuffed polar bear, worn and dirtied with love. The asshole held up the bear, revealing it to everyone present; around us, everyone broke into malicious taunting laughter.

By now Mattie was crying, and Antonio was nearly shaking in rage at such cruelty taking place before him. And yet, neither of us did anything but watch the scene unfold.

The guy holding Mattie's bear pulled a crimson red Zippo lighter out of his back pocket, holding it up for everyone to see. The crowd cheered, screaming words like "Burn the bear!" and "Slaughter it!" Grinning delightedly for his audience, he grazed his thumb against the flint wheel and a flame sputtered to life. Mattie screamed and begged for him to stop, that mysterious note still clutched in his hand, but the asshole and his audience just laughed more.

He grazed the bear's foot against the flame, and it immediately ignited into something wild and all-consuming. He tossed the burning bear into a large metal garbage can as he and his delighted audience watched, laughing and screaming like animals.

And for an entire day, everyone remembered Matthew Williams.

* * *

><p>My breathing was shallow, as Mattie's quietly blunt words had shaken me to my core. I didn't know why I was so affected or why I had allowed this lonely boy to silently crash into my life, but at that moment I felt like just another disappointment for him, tacking up on a lifetime of disappointments.<p>

The library doors creaked open, and Mattie and I turned towards the noise. Elizaveta and Roderich both wore pleased, satiated expressions though this soon faded when they saw me.

"Gilbert," Liz said, her voice calm for once. Her green eyes simply stared at me, and neither of us knew what to say. At last, she spoke again. "I'm…sorry."

I nodded for no particular reason. "Yeah, me too." The four of us just stared at each other for moment, though soon Matthew hopped off of the locker and strode up to me, twining his bloodied fingers between my own. Liz seemed shell-shocked for a moment, but she soon smiled, the first genuine smile she'd ever directed at me.

"Be happy, Gilbert." These were her final words before she took Roderich's hand and walked away from me.

I pulled Matthew's arm up to my face, closely examining the self-inflicted scars that marred his creamy skin. "Mattie…"

"I-I want to give up, Gilbert," he admitted at last with a sigh, an invisible weight toppling off of him once he said the words. "Th-this m-morning, I kept thinking 'I can't do this anymore'." He spread his arms out, as though he were gesturing to the entire, vast world around us. "I just…can't. I feel l-like I want to stop trying, but I'm s-so selfish! I want to experience…life. And this afternoon, I just kept wishing that one person would notice me, one person would remember me for just a few seconds before I leave, and not for something stupid or mean, but for something nice like 'Hey, I walked home with Mattie'. A-and you did, Gilbert, and I was so happy. And it felt like it was okay to give up, because I wasn't totally invisible and you remembered me for a little while." His voice lowered in octave; he stared firmly at the floor, hiding those sad eyes from my gaze. "B-but you promised to remember me again, and I thought that maybe everything would be okay… that maybe I wouldn't have to stop…"

I didn't have any words. _Mattie was going to kill himself; If I hadn't asked him to hang out with me, he would've…but then I forgot about him, and he…did this…_ I hated myself for getting wrapped up in all of this, but mostly I hated myself for having this kind of effect on Mattie – making him happy enough to pleasantly kill himself one moment, and sad enough to injure himself in the next. And under the weight of his admission, I felt like I was falling; just another leaf reaching out to touch a beautiful bird, falling and succumbing to my failure, sifting and sinking beneath all the other rotten leaves.

I reached out and pulled Mattie to my chest. I knew that anything I said wouldn't be enough, so I just held him as he cried, hoping that my physical presence would be enough. My pale hands rubbed his back in calming circles, and I rested my chin on top on his golden blonde hair. It was in that very moment that I swore to myself, never again would I forget Matthew Williams.

* * *

><p>Finally, the administrators showed up. The vice-principal strode over with a fire extinguisher and aimed it at the trashcan. The principal broke into the middle of the crowd, threatening detention for anyone who was still lingering. Most of the students scattered away, but a few brave souls stayed to watch the finale of this little scene, because while it wasn't as dramatic, it was just as important.<p>

The guy who had pushed Mattie was long gone – he had slipped into the crowd of observers – but the asshole that'd burned the bear just stood there, flicking the lighter open and closed with a smirk on his face. The principal cited some speech about possessing a lighter on school grounds and burning school property (the trashcan), and right then and there, that smirking little bastard was expelled for all the wrong reasons. I felt myself burning with anger, but it was Antonio who did something.

He strode over to Mattie and wrapped the little Canadian in a hug, pulling him to his feet. He then glared at our principal. "You're punishing him for _that_?" Never before had I heard Tonio's voice sound so livid and dark. "He just emotionally tortured this kid, and that's all you have to say?" The principal blinked in surprise, not only at Antonio's tone but also Mattie's presence; she hadn't even noticed him, the victim in all of this.

The principal and vice-principal walked off with that asshole, leaving just the three of us. I walked over to the trashcan and pulled out the remains of the bear – a dirtied head with charred, blackened edges around the neck. Mattie stepped forward, reaching out for the head, but I pulled my hand back, staring at him with burning eyes.

"I'll fix it," I declared stubbornly, then stomped off with Antonio scurrying to catch up.

Fixing up a bear ended up being a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would, so I made Feliciano help me. He was more than happy to sacrifice body parts from some of his old stuffed animals, and together we managed to create something that looked like a bear, even though its body parts were all different colors. In a last minute idea, Feliciano had sewn bright red heart onto its chest.

One early Saturday morning, I tugged on a black sweatshirt and tucked the bear under my arm. I dashed across the street, propped the bear on the stoop; I smashed the doorbell a few times before ducking into the bushes to hide. I was curled up in a ball to remain out of sight, so I didn't manage to see who had opened the door. But then I heard a small gasp, and a quiet voice murmured, "Thank you."

* * *

><p>AN: So, what have we learned today boys and girls? That Gilbert is a douche-nator for forgetting Mattie, and Tonio gets evil when justice isn't properly served! Isn't that just delightful?

So, this chapter was pretty damn angsty. I don't plan on the next chapter being quite as sad, though.

Anyone up for a fun fact? This was originally gonna be a oneshot in which Mattie dies. Apparently, I always get second thoughts about character death, though. Hmm…

SEE YA NEXT TIME!


	2. Unawesome Changes

A/N: Hola, everyone! I'm back with chapter 2 of _Beneath Frozen Leaves_! I'm a little uncertain about this chapter; it isn't quite as angsty as I wanted, but I think it's okay.

**Disclaimer:** Heartache-sama does not own Hetalia *sad face*

ENJOY!

* * *

><p><em>(Gilbert POV)<em>

"How long?" I whispered. Matthew's arms rested in my palms, seeming so fragile and thin. "How long have you been doing this to yourself?"

Large violet eyes stared up at me pleadingly. Finally, soft lips parted to speak. Matthew's voice was whisper-quiet and I strained to hear him. "About three years now."

* * *

><p><em>(Matthew's POV)<em>

I'd never really fit into my family. My mother was loud, my brother was loud, and I barely got to see my dad anymore. There wasn't a place for me, and I wasn't bold enough to make a place for myself. I simply settled on fading into the background, pretending that I didn't mind on the outside while everything killed me on the inside.

I started cutting on my thirteenth birthday. For some reason, I was uncharacteristically excited that day. Alfred and I were having a joint party, and even though our guests were merely comprised of his friends, I was happy nonetheless. My dad was coming to see me. I woke up really early that day (7:12, to be exact) and sat by my windowsill, quietly whispering to myself about how my papa was coming, and I couldn't wait to see him.

Noon rolled around eventually, and already most of Al's guests had arrived and were playing in the pool. Mom continuously tried to get me to go outside with the other children, but I refused. I was waiting for my dad. I sat on the porch, quietly singing to myself as I waited.

Half an hour later, my mom approached me with a worried frown on her face and the phone in her hand. "Matthew, your father's on the phone." At the time, I hadn't thought much of her facial expression. I simply snatched the cordless phone from her hands.

"Papa, where are you?" I prattled on cheerfully in rapid French. I patiently waited for my father to respond, and finally his quiet raspy voice called out to me over the phone.

"Matthieu," he murmured almost inaudibly. "Mon doux Matthieu, je suis tellement desole. Je ne peux pas le faire pour votre anniversaire. S'il vous plais pardonnez-moi, mon cher fils."

My father was sick, that much I could firmly surmise, and yet I couldn't stop the angry childish tears that burned against my lids. "But, papa…you promised." It was stupid; I was stupid. My father was sick, and yet there I was complaining like a spoiled, selfish brat. But this was all I wanted, for my father to be here with me on my birthday.

"Je sais, Matthieu, et je suis desole. Mais vous devez comprendre, papa est malade en ce moment, et il ne peut pas voyager. Comprends-tu, ma douce?"

No, I didn't understand. I didn't understand why I could never have the things I wanted. I didn't understand why Alfred got everything he wanted and more while I received nothing. I didn't understand what I'd done to deserve any of this.

"I understand, papa."

"Good. Now, my sweet one, go and enjoy your day. And later you will call papa and tell him of all the wonderful things you did and the presents you received, oui?"

"Oui."

"Bon anniversaire, mon petit."

"Merci, papa."

The phone slipped from my sweaty palm. Already, I could feel the burning insistent tears coursing down my cheeks, made even more uncomfortable by the sticky hotness of the summer sun. My mother stood in the doorway, staring at me in concern. "Matthew?" she asked.

I did not reply.

"Matthew, honey, I'm so sorry. Your father's never been good at honoring his commitments. I'm sorry you had to find this out the hard way, but I suppose better late than never. Oh, Alfred's simply going to be heartbroken when he hears the news."

Why? Why was she saying this? Did she really think that saying all of this awful stuff about dad was really going to make me feel better? She made it sound as though he was simply bailing out on me – no, us…because surely Alfred was going to be "heartbroken". Did dad not tell her that he was sick? Or rather, did she not believe him?

And who cares about Alfred? _I _was the one who was excited about dad coming. _I _was the one who insisted that all of my birthday money be used to fly him hear. Alfred could've cared less.

I stood up, a cool breeze washing over my flushed and heated face. Without a word, I pushed pass my mother into the house and stormed up the stairs. I locked myself in the bathroom and shuffled through the medicine cabinet for those stupid razors that Al had purchased just to seem cool and mature.

_Papa's not coming. He's not coming. _

The tears fell faster and faster, and soon enough the razor looked like nothing more than a silver blob in my hands. Even from upstairs, I could hear Alfred and his stupid friends laughing and squealing in our backyard. They didn't even notice that I wasn't out there with them, even though this was partially my party too. Mom hadn't come to check on me, presumably much too busy worrying about breaking the news to someone who didn't care. I was invisible, and the only person who could see me wasn't here.

The razor slipped against my skin, and blood rose to the surface.

* * *

><p><em>(Gilbert's POV)<em>

My hands slipped away from his arms, trailing down to entwine my fingers with his. Mattie looked so tiny, swallowed up in his dark red hoodie. I clasped his hands firmly and reassuringly, and to my great surprise his hands were really warm. "Promise me. Promise me you won't do this again."

His teeth toyed with his bottom lip nervously, and it truly saddened me that he had to think this hard about my request. Before he could respond, Francis and Antonio rounded the corner with surprised yet concerned looks on their faces. Surreptitiously, I tugged down Mattie's sleeves and brushed away his tears before my friends could see.

"Gilbert?" Francis questioned, raising a perfectly arched eyebrow in curiosity. I draped an arm across the little Canadian's shoulders and plastered an awesome grin on my face before stepping into the light to greet my bros. Antonio's gaze was firmly trained on Matthew's face, and finally something seemed to click because he smiled in faint recognition. Francis, however, was still confused. "Mon ami, who is this? He is very adorable, but he looks so sad!" He strode over to us and cupped Matthew's flushed cheeks. "Mon petit, has Gilbert been making you cry?"

"Umm…n-not r-really…" My Birdie stuttered. "A-and m-my name's Matthew."

The emotions that welled up inside of me in that moment were really unawesome. I didn't like the stupid anger that I felt as I watched Francis fawn all over Matthew. I didn't like the way Francis was holding his face or the way he smiled at Matthew. All of it was pissing me off. I tugged Mattie closer to my side. My anger was stupid and really unawesome, but I couldn't help it! It seemed like Matthew had silently crashed his way into my life, and suddenly everything revolved around him.

"Matteo!" Toni suddenly exclaimed as he stepped forward. Large tanned hands reached forward to ruffle Matt's silky blonde hair. Another surge if jealousy hit me, but it was different from the anger I felt towards Francis. I wish I could be that carefree towards Mattie; everything felt so heavy between us. There was no level of comfort or casualness. Instead, we were bogged down by this never-ending pile of realities building up between us, and I hated it. "It's so good to see you! Are you gonna be hanging out with us tonight?" Antonio asked eagerly.

Francis interjected before Matthew could reply. "Ahh, oui, mon petit!" His fingers gracefully tapped against Mattie's bottom lip. I fought the urge to kick him in the balls. "It would be an honor to spend time with someone so _delicieusement mignon_." Before I could do something rash, Antonio – cheerful little peacekeeper that he was – interrupted.

"Haha, mi amigo, you will scare him away if you keep acting like that." Toni pleasantly batted Francis's hands away before addressing Matthew once more. "It would be fun if you could hang out with us, though, Matteo. We're probably going to go grab some food." The brunette glanced at me for confirmation; I nodded.

"Umm," Mattie murmured shyly, his violet gaze firmly directed at his shoes. An uncomfortable flush crept up his neck, and light blue-violet eyes glanced at me hesitantly. "I w-wouldn't want to impose or anything," he replied shyly.

I grinned as reassuringly (and sexily) as possible. "You wouldn't be imposing, Birdie! You're totally awesome enough to hang out with the Bad Touch Trio."

Matthew smiled up at me brightly, and I swear, it was like someone had just punched me in the gut and forced all of the air out of my lungs. _Mein Gott_, he was beautiful!

Antonio dumped his car keys in Francis's hand. "Why don't you and Matteo head out to the car? I wanna talk to Gilbert for a sec." Matthew and I opened our mouths to protest (there were already a few cuss words on the tip of my tongue, especially chosen for Toni's suggestion), but Francis was already whisking my little blond away and Antonio was standing directly in front of me. His bright, normally cheerful green eyes looked surprisingly serious. My crimson eyes narrowed in irritation.

"I swear to God, if Francis molests him, I'm gonna beat the shit out of him _and _you," I muttered. I craned my neck to get a better glance at Francis and Matt, but Antonio's sudden declaration distracted me.

"I saw Elizaveta with Roderich not too long ago. They were holding hands in the concession line." My face slipped into a blank, unreadable expression. I had been so wrapped up into Matthew that I'd completely forgotten about Liz. I chose not to answer, simply staring at a random spot over his shoulder instead. Green eyes stared at me intently. My silence was a response in and of itself. "You already knew. That's why you were so cuddled up with Matteo. The two of you had already broken up," he said slowly.

My crimson eyes narrowed further. "Don't be so fucking passive aggressive, Antonio. If you want to know if I was cheating on Liz, just ask," I muttered. "Even though you already know the answer." I sighed in frustration, running my hands through my hair in irritation. "I saw them together, Roderich and Eliza. They were making out in the library." A small snort escaped my lips, but it was low and broken. "Who knows? They probably fucked in there. A dream come true for the both of them."

Suddenly, Antonio crushed his arms around me a hug, throwing me off balance a little. "What the hell?" I blurted, trying to push my weird ass Spanish friend away, but his arms remained firmly locked in place.

"Oh, _mi pobre amigo_!" Antonio exclaimed, rocking me back and forth like a damn child. "You just had your heart broken and I accused you of being an unfaithful manwhore! I'm so sorry!" Toni pulled away with a sympathetic smile on his face, though it faded into a bright beaming grin just as quickly. "Maybe Matteo while heal your broken heart!"

I punched him in the arm; Toni whined a little. "You're such a drama queen, Antonio. Let's go before Francis rapes my Birdie."

Antonio tossed an arm around my shoulder and I smirked a little, pushing him away as we headed for the back doors located near the Science wing. "Ahh! So you _do_ like Matteo!"

"I just wanna make him smile." The words were mumbled really quietly. There was no way in hell I was letting _anyone_ hear me say something so unawesome, even if it was Antonio. Sure, he was awesome (not as awesome me, duh) enough not to bring it up again, but there was the whole matter of my pride. I wasn't sure if my ego would be able to handle that blow.

My hyperactive Spanish friend smiled slyly. Well, as slyly as Antonio can smile. He was way too damn nice to ever actually look sneaky. If anything, his smile could pass for mischievous on a good day. There were only extremes for him – happy, really happy, and occasionally pissed the fuck off. Regardless, Toni was smiling at me in that sneaky, _I totally heard you_ sort of way. I willed myself not to blush or anything like that; I was definitely too awesome to be so flustered.

Antonio opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off, throwing the back door open as I did so. Cold icy air rushed towards. In the darkness, I could faintly make out the sight of Francis and Matthew in the backseat of Toni's car. "If you mention any of this to Francis, I will kill you." Toni simply chuckled at me.

"Whatever you say, Gilly!" Antonio shouted as he dashed towards the car. I trudged behind him with a sigh, shaking my head a little.

I opened the car door and shoved the passenger seat forward, pointing at Francis, who was currently trying to pull a struggling Matthew into his lap. "You, Frenchy," I stated bluntly, addressing my perverted friend, "get up. I'm sitting next to Birdie." Mattie looked up at me gratefully, clearly uncomfortable with being harassed as he currently was. I extended a hand and the blonde (the cute Canadian one) took it, allowing me to pull him out of the backseat. With a reluctant pout on his face, Francis scooted out of the backseat as well.

"Mon ami, it's not fair! You shouldn't be so stingy with such a _parfaite du sexe petit chaton_." Birdie gasped and his pretty violet eyes turned downcast. What the hell did Francis just say?

Antonio awkwardly cleared his throat before I could ask. "I'm hungry, guys!" he whined, though I could tell he was just doing this before Francis and I could start arguing. "Get in the car so we can go eat!"

Mattie nodded before sliding into the backseat once more. I shot Francis a warning look before getting in the car.

* * *

><p><em>Grandpa Rome's <em>was packed as usual.

_Grandpa Rome's_ was a little diner in town, and it was the only good place to eat if you didn't want to drive downtown. The diner served everything, though the restaurant's pride and joy was Italian cuisine. Just about every teenager in town hung out here, mainly because the food was so cheap. The restaurant's owner has two grandsons that go to our high school, so there was a special discount for high school students.

I held open the door for Matthew, instantly earning myself a cheesy grin from both of my friends. I rolled my eyes and glared at the two of them before leading the way to our favorite booth in the corner. Determined to keep Francis from molesting Birdie, I deliberately sat next to the shy Canadian and told Antonio to sit across from Mattie.

Toni immediately launched into a tirade about all of his favorite dishes – most of which were tomato based – though he was soon interrupted when the waiter arrived. "Ugh, it's the pervert bastards again."

"Lovi!" Antonio cried cheerfully. This was the reason our trio came here so much; Antonio was in love with grumpy little Lovino Vargas and insisted upon coming to the restaurant as much as possible, even though they practically spent every second together at school. Of course, Lovi insisted on "playing hard to get", as Toni called it, and ended up accusing him of being a "stalker tomato bastard." As it was, my stupid Spanish friend was showering his sulky Italian with compliments, completely ignorant to the fact that _some people_ happen to be starving and would actually like to order their food in _this_ lifetime.

And naturally, things would only improve from here on out.

Francis spoke," So, _mon sexe petit chaton_, how did you become friends with Gilbert?" That perverted bastard sensually entwined his fingers with Mattie's, gently sweeping the pad of his thumb across the back of Birdie's hand.

"U-uhm," Matthew began, his shy voice wavering distractedly as he tried to tug his hand away; Francis was insistent, however, and intimately entwined their fingers. I glared at the Frenchman. Why the hell couldn't he keep his hands to himself? "W-we walked home together today and started talking to each other. We h-haven't known each other for very long." Pretty indigo eyes turned to me, peeking up from behind a thick tangle of black lashes, accompanied by a hesitant smile. I grinned in return, my signature smile of confidence on my face.

It wasn't until this moment that I looked at Mattie's eyes, and I mean _really_ looked at his eyes. They were endless pools of blue-violet filled with a shimmering assortment of other blues. I could see a sparkling spectrum of blues and purples, and the colors seemed to suck me in. I had never noticed another person's eyes like this before. Sure, I had looked at Elizaveta plenty of times, and I knew that her eyes were an intriguing forest green shade, but I had never seen this spectrum of life like I could see in Birdie's eyes. I felt like I could stare at his eyes forever. My breath was stuck in my throat.

Someone was calling my name, but I didn't bother replying. The rest of the night seemed to pass in a blur. I remembered that Francis kept flirting with Mattie; I remembered that Lovino cussed a lot; I remembered that Antonio kept refusing to share his French fries. Everything about this seemed like a regular Friday night, but something was different. I could feel it every time Matthew smiled at me; every time Francis murmured at him in French; every time my little blonde birdie laughed in that delicate, uncertain way of his. There was something different, but I wasn't sure if it was me or the world around me.

* * *

><p>AN: It is finished! All of the French in this chapter was done by me; I'm pretty sure its correct (I'm about to be in my fifth level of French once the new semester starts), but if it's not, feel free to correct me!

**Translations**:

Mon doux Matthieu, je suis tellement desole. Je ne peux pas le faire pour votre anniversaire. S'il vous plais pardonnez-moi, mon cher fils – My sweet Matthew, I am so sorry. I cannot make it for your birthday. Please forgive me, my sweet son.

Je sais, Matthieu, et je suis desole. Mais vous devez comprendre, papa est malade en ce moment, et il ne peut pas voyager. Comprends-tu, ma douce? – I know, Matthew, and I am sorry. But you have to understand, papa is sick at the moment, and he cannot travel. Do you understand, my sweet one?

Bon anniversaire, mon petit – Happy birthday, my little one.

Merci – Thank you

Mon ami – my friend

Delicieusement mignon – deliciously cute

Parfaite du sexe petit chaton – perfect little sex kitten

Mi pobre amigo – my poor friend

Mein Gott – My God

Thanks for reading, everyone! Please review!

SEE YA NEXT TIME!


	3. Heart Failure

A/N: OHMYGOD, IT'S BEEN FOREVER!

Sorry it took me so long to update, you guys. This chapter has been sitting on my laptop, basically finished with the exception of a few paragraphs, for the longest time. Better late than never, though, I suppose? *nervous laughter*

ENJOY!

* * *

><p>By Monday, I was a mess. It was subtle; my hair was a little messier than normal, and my habitual cocky grin felt somewhat forced, but no one seemed to notice. Even Antonio, for all of his observant tendencies towards emotions, was oblivious to it. My thoughts ate at me through the weekend, and I found myself anxiously staring out the window at the large blue house across the street. My thoughts were always sudden and fleeting. <em> I wonder what he's doing. Is he okay? Is he happy? Can he see me staring at him through the window like a stalker?<em> These were the thoughts that continuously returned to my head throughout the weekend, despite my wish to chase them away.

I hadn't seen Mattie since the night we went to Grandpa Rome's, exactly three nights ago. It was stupid of me to be so obsessed, but I just couldn't help it. Ever since he tugged at my sleeve and looked at me with those insanely awesome indigo eyes, I seemed to orbit around Planet Mattie. Normally, I would hate myself for being so invested in another person, but can you really blame me? After I found out that my casual half-assed invitation was the only thing that kept Mattie from killing himself, was it really so wrong for my life to revolve around him?

So yeah, my weekend was an unawesome internal struggle where I fought with myself not to storm across the street and demand to see my Birdie (I didn't have enough mental energy left to scold myself for calling him mine). It was further permeated by the barrage of comforting texts from my friends. Ludwig had been walking on eggshells around me, trying to be supportive in a way that only Ludwig can – sternly. I had completely forgotten that Elizaveta and I had broken up until Francis came over, spouting some crap about the pain of "amour". He meant well, really and truly, but there was just something about Francis's drama queen tendencies, and Antonio nodding sagely in the background, and Ludwig brusquely asking if I needed to talk about my _feelings_, that had me laughing so damn hard. I had laughed and laughed until tears ran down my face, and I didn't know if I was even laughing anymore. I was just sobbing a bit, thinking about Liz and Birdie and myself. I didn't know if I was crying for Mattie or for myself, but it didn't matter. I didn't stop until Toni patted me on the shoulder and urged, "Let it all out", and even then I punched him in the side for treating me like a damn girl, and I laugh-cried even harder.

Of course, once I collected myself, I insisted that nothing had happened.

On Monday, I pretended that the past three days had never occurred. I teased West, I laughed at Francis's sexcapades, I rolled my eyes at Antonio's passionate declarations of love for a certain annoying Italian. On the outside, I was my usual awesome self, but on the inside I was a mess.

As I shoved my locker door shut, scowling at it a bit for flying back open, I was interrupted by a gentle tap on my shoulder. I turned around, and there he was – the object of my obsession for the past several days. Emotions – confusion, happiness, relief – seemed to slam into me full force. I didn't know whether I wanted scoop Matt up into my arms and hug the life out of him or if I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him for (unknowingly) making me so worried.

I settled for the latter. My hands gripped him about the arms, and I shook him, the anxiety from the weekend welling up inside of me. "Do you have any idea how worried I was? I couldn't get you out of my head, Birdie. Don't ever do this to me again!"

Okay, I was well aware that I sounded a bit crazy, and my reaction was really unawesome, but it wasn't fair! This adorable, depressed little brat has managed to overrun my thoughts for the past several days.

"I'm sorry?" he murmured, and I found myself further displeased. I should not find that confused lilting tone and that little head tilt so fucking cute! And yet, as he stared up at me with those awesome violet eyes, I swear I felt something freaky happen in my chest. I hope like hell I'm just having a heart attack.

Matthew's confused expression morphed into something akin to melancholy and gratitude. I was once again aware of an odd sensation in my heart, but this was nothing but pain. Nothing but heartache. "I…I just w-wanted to thank you for Thursday night. I've never had so much fun in my life." His breath hitched a bit, and one by one, I watched tears slip from his eyes and hit the dirty linoleum beneath our feet. "So, thank you so much."

I wasn't happy. Maybe it was the tears; maybe it was the fact that that pathetic little outing was the happiest night of Mattie's life; maybe I was just an unawesome douchebag; but for whatever reason, even though Mattie was so damnably grateful, I was so unhappy.

I reached out to grab his hand, but before I could, someone shoved into Matt from behind. He stumbled a bit, but I managed to steady him at the last minute. My head snapped up sharply, and I opened my mouth, fully prepared to demand an apology. The asshole laughed and sneered at Birdie before I could react, though. "Fucking crybaby," he taunted as he walked away.

Boiling hot fury rose within me, and I turned, fully prepared to confront the guy. I was interrupted by a gentle tug on my sleeve, and Mattie simply shook his head, silky wheat curls shaking as he did so. His eyes were sad and accepting; he was clearly upset, but he simply wiped his tears, shook his head once more, and smiled at me.

I took three quick strides, and Birdie's hand fell away from me. I heard Mattie scream something like, "Gilbert, wait!" I ignored him, grabbing the random asshole by the shoulder. He half-turned, bewildered by the rough treatment, and my fist made contact with his face.

He stumbled back a few steps, wincing as he clutched his bleeding nose. Just as quickly, though, the asshole was fully focused on me. His hand rose, gripping the collar of my shirt and curling into a fist. "What the fuck is your problem?!" he growled as he glared at me. Recognition hit as I finally realized who he was, and my anger increased tenfold. I sneered at him, shoving his hand away.

"Apologize. Now," I demanded.

Miguel – the asshole that tortured my Birdie, the asshole that humiliated him, the asshole that shouldn't have even been here – was simmering with fury, his lip curled up in a sneer at my demand. The expression was a far cry from that stupid fucking smirk that haunted my dreams – the stupid smirk he had worn as he flicked his lighter open and closed and watched Matthew cry two years ago. "Like hell I'm going to apologize," he growled, his dark gaze fully focused on Mattie. "That little bitch got me kicked out of school. I should punch his fucking face in."

Furious, I shoved him; unprepared, my push sent him slamming into the lockers behind him. I could hear the students quickly gathering around us like animals in a zoo, chanting, "Fight! Fight!" Miguel quickly steadied himself, and he was instantly in my face, practically snarling as he nailed me in the gut with his fist. Before I could throttle the guy within an inch of his life, Francis and Antonio were pushing their way through the middle of the crowd. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Francis tugging a crying Mattie away from the center of the scene. Toni was insistently pulling at my arm, but I only had eyes for the asshole that dared to hurt Birdie. I lunged, but Antonio was immediately in my face, shoving me away.

"Gilbert, stop!" Toni demanded, his tone far more serious than I was expecting. He had been doing this serious act way too much lately. "The principal's heading this way, and your grandfather's going to kill you if you get in trouble." The words barely touched me, and I fought against the hands on my shoulders. His grip tightened. "Calm down, amigo. Don't you think Mateo will be upset if you get in trouble because of him?"

The mere mention of Mattie caught me off guard a bit, and my motions stilled long enough for Antonio to push me away some. The crowd began booing in disappointment, and over my tanned friend's shoulder, I could see Miguel smirking at me. That was enough to nearly set me off again, but I resisted and allowed myself to be pulled away from the scene.

I was barely paying attention as Toni led me away. I had to force myself to think about awesome blue-violet eyes and silky golden hair with a wayward curl. Thinking of Matt calmed me down a bit, and I barely noticed that I was led into the boy's bathroom.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by a warm bundle slamming into me, thin comforting arms wrapping around my waist. I winced at bit as Birdie slammed into my probably bruised stomach, but I quickly hugged him back. I snaked one arm around his back and the other cupped his head, soothingly rubbing his hair. Big pretty tear-filled eyes stared up at me, sucking me in. I barely even noticed my friends watching on with knowing smiles. "A-are you okay?" Matthew stuttered quietly.

I grinned, and despite the pain in my stomach, it was probably the most natural expression I'd made in the last three days. "I'm awesome, as always, Birdie."

"Are you sure?" he questioned worriedly. "Miguel hit your stomach pretty hard. Maybe we should take you to the nurse…"

I cut him off, covering his mouth with my hand to silence him. "I've got rock hard abs, baby. I probably broke his hand," I bragged, taking my time in pulling my hand away from his lips.

"Are you sure you're okay, mon ami?" Francis asked. The worried look didn't suit him at all. I was way too used to that lecherous smile that seemed to be permanently attached to his face. I rolled my eyes.

"Mein Gott, stop worrying!" I complained. "I'll live, dammit!"

Antonio smiled brightly and dumbly as usual. "We worry because we care!" he cheered, stepping up to pinch my cheeks like a doting mother.

Mattie laughed as I squirmed away from Antonio's weirdness. I couldn't help the totally unawesome, damn near infatuated smile that spread across my face at the sound of Birdie's laughter. Once again, my chest was freaking out, squeezing and thumping sporadically. Heart failure was a bitch.

Antonio winked at me before slinging an arm across Francis's shoulders. "Well, amigo, it seems that Gilbert doesn't require us to take care of him."

Francis nodded, "Yes, I'm sure Mattheui can take it from here." He ran his creepy perverted hands through Matt's silky golden hair, eliciting a small shudder from my Birdie. I glared at him a bit, though he and Toni were already heading out of the bathroom before I could complain.

Mattie smiled up at me shyly before glancing away, a slight blush present on his cheeks. A single slender index finger gently twirled around the errant curl that hung near his face. "Th-thank you for standing up for me like that, Gil. No one's ever done something like that for me before." That pretty timid smile morphed into a frown. "I just wish you weren't in pain because of me."

My heart pounded away in my chest, and I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. I had been watching him for years, but Gott, had he always been this adorable? I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from spewing out a line of totally embarrassing, totally unawesome crap about how cute he was and how I would always protect him. Sure, it was true; I mean, I would punch anyone that so much as looked at this kid wrong, but there's no way I could _tell_ Matt something like that. It was girly and embarrassing, and if Francis and Antonio found out, I'd never hear the end of it! Toni would squeal and dance around like an idiot, and Francis would go on and on about the beauty of "l'amour". I did not want to deal with that. I had to say something cool and awesome, something that would make my Birdie swoon and fall into my arms, something like…

"I'll always protect you, Birdie. I would let that loser hit me again, if it meant I could protect you."

Did…did I just say that out loud?

Mattie was blushing even harder, that cute pink color darkening to a bright red that reached the tips of his ears. If the situation were different, I probably would've teased him about it (even though it was truthfully the cutest thing I'd ever seen), but I had more important things to focus on – like that fact that I said the kind of gross, nauseatingly unawesome things I _didn't_ want to say. Before I could take back my words, those arms once again wrapped around my torso, and Birdie's head rested against my chest. He could probably hear my heart doing that weird, erratic heart failure thing, but he didn't mention it. I couldn't help myself; I tangled my fingers through his silky blond hair. It was unbelievably soft, even softer than Gilbird's feathers.

Matthew looked peaceful and content and happier than I had ever seen him. His eyes were closed in a relaxed manner, and a gentle smile was present on his lips. I couldn't stop myself from grinning down at him. I hate to say it, but if this was the reaction I was going to get, I'd say those disgustingly embarrassing things again and again.

"Thank you," he murmured again, his voice shy and quiet as it always was.

I ran my fingers through his hair as gently as possible. "There's no need to thank me, Mattie. I-I…" I stammered lamely, taking a deep breath to steady my nerves. Mein Gott, this kid was turning me into an unawesome mess! Had I been this much of a loser when Liz and I were together? "I meant what I said; I want to protect you. You're important to me, Birdie," I mumbled, stubbornly averting my gaze even though I could feel wide curious eyes focused on my face.

And then, something awesome happened. Those pretty, insanely soft lips pressed against my cheek. Surprised, I stared down at Birdie. His smile was blindingly beautiful, like starlight, and I kind of wanted to stare at it forever. Rather suddenly though, the bell rang, signaling the beginning of class, and we both jumped. The moment was broken, and we were both left sheepishly staring at our shoes, as though they were the most awesome things in the world. "Ah…umm…I…I should probably go to class," Matt rambled uncertainly, hesitantly shuffling towards the bathroom door. Before he could get too far away from me, I grabbed his wrist, firmly halting his movements.

"I'll see you at lunch, right?" He nodded, wide-eyed, his single errant curl bouncing with the movement. I smiled, strangely relieved and happier than I'd felt in the last several days. "Good," I confirmed, stepping closer and running my fingers through his hair one last time. "Stay safe, Birdie."

He gave me that beautiful, awesome smile of his one more time before slipping out of the bathroom, leaving me a grin on my face and an erratic heartbeat in my chest.

* * *

><p>AN: This chapter was pretty decent. As usual, I had a lot of fun writing for Prussia. It's always kind of cool to try and meld his thoughts with my writing voice. I feel like we're both sort of similar people in some ways, but he clearly thinks very differently from my very girly and over-dramatic writing style. It's kind of fun to try to meld his ego-centric thoughts with my desire to write paragraphs about Matthew's eyes. Lol.

So, please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter! I'd love to hear your feedback. Hopefully, the next chapter won't take as long.

SEE YA NEXT TIME!


End file.
